and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
