dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
