Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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