I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
