Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.