Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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