I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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