mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
