she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
