dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
