and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
