My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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