My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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