he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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