My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
