Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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