# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
