I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I got her a Nickelback box set.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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