I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
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