I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
pray to the hookup gods
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
