The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
