Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize