HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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