I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
