My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.