i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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