That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
