checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
