i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
