WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
