do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
