I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
