Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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