My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
