we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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