Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
