phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
