Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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