she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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