I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
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He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
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Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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