my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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