census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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