I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
