oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
