I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
