You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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