today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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