we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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