oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The power of my boobs compel you
Randomize
