remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
