I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
