got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
