You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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