my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
