I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
