i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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