you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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