time to smoke my breakfast
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
