Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
