Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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